He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
