remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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