wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
