LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
