U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
this is an emotional support booty call
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
