I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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