If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
