Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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