Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
did i walk over a car last night?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
