There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
