Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
