There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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