i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
