Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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