I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
