Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
