Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
