omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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