I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
