I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
They left me at home... I'm a liability
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
