They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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