it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
