We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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