i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
