toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
accomplished twins. life is a go
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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