I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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