i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
