A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
