I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
