i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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