When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
