he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
