i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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