Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
