im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
