Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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