it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize