My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
