I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
porn star boner night. come get it.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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