So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Boobs are out for the taking
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
