we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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