So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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