Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
