im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club