somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
my god I love twenty year old dicks