I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao