just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
