I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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