Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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