I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
