dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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