I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
