Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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