your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
