fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
