Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
