They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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