Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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