Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
His hands were made for my vagina.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
